Dealing with Grief & Loss
Family Caregivers
You’ve spent months or years caring for a loved one experiencing progressive physical and/or cognitive decline. Though it didn’t start out this way, your life may have become so enmeshed in their well-being you have lost your identity. It goes with the territory. The day-to-day tasks of keeping someone we love alive and functioning is an all-consuming effort. Most, if not all of what you thought about and did was for them. So when they ultimately pass away, though released from the Herculean responsibility, the void that’s left can be even more Herculean to fill.
“Joanne and I were married 60 years. When she left us, the grief was overwhelming. I didn’t realize how much of my life had been put on hold. It was a gradual process as her needs increased, and it sounds cliché, but I had no idea how to put one foot in front of the other without taking care of her first,” said John T. of Omaha, Nebraska.
What and When
Experts say the first rule of adjusting to life after caregiving is not to rush things. Well-meaning family and friends may try to help by telling you what worked for them, or for someone they know, insisting that you try it. But bear in mind everyone is different. Your comfort level in recovering from loss is paramount, so do what feels right, when it feels right.
That said, there are steps that can be taken to begin moving forward. First, again, give yourself time to grieve. Grief in its various stages can last months or years, but turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as isolation, excess alcohol, drugs, or food may not be the answer, as these means only serve to “stuff” your emotions—not deal with them. Allow emotions to surface. Many people find journaling helpful. Talking through loss with a clergyperson or trained counselor can be enormously beneficial. Hospice centers traditionally provide grief counseling, whether it is one-on-one or in a support group setting.
When moving forward, while action is better than inaction, don’t pile it on unless and until you feel ready to do so. If you can manage only one thing a day—even taking a walk around the block—consider it an accomplishment. The rest will come.
Major Decisions
Caregiving and grief are wearing on the body, mind, and emotions. Add to that the loss of someone with whom you’d likely spent most or all of your life, be it a parent, spouse, or sibling. Experts say delaying any major decisions, including selling a house, moving away, changing jobs, or entering into a romantic relationship is highly recommended. If you jump into things, you may regret an action that was based on pure emotion rather than the kind of reasoning that comes from time and space.
New Opportunities
Putting your loved one’s needs ahead of yours is something that evolved from caring for someone so totally dependent. As the darkest days of grief begin to subside, it might be an opportunity to return to what made you happy. It’s a fact of life that these pursuits may remind you of your loss, especially if they were hobbies or other activities you did together, but another perspective is that they can serve to honor the memory of your loved one. Additionally, there may be something you always wanted to do, see, or learn that you’d not done previously. Taking care of your needs in this way will help you return to pleasurable times, also honoring your loved one’s memory because s/he would want that for you. Setting new goals and priorities can be challenging and exciting, and meeting them even more so.
Giving Back
Finally, though it may seem hard to imagine early on, as someone who has gone through a significant caregiving and loss process, your experience is invaluable. Hospice has a need for trained volunteers to help others work through the grieving process. Over time, giving back may also help you gain perspective on your own grief.
